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Jul 30

tinafeysays:

"The health teacher, Mr. Garth, had a thick blond mustache—the universal sign of intelligence—and a rural-Pennsylvania accent that made him say ‘dawn’ instead of ‘down’ and ‘yuman’ instead of ‘human.’ One day, in what I hope was a departure from the state curriculum, Mr. Garth devoted an entire period to teaching us ‘how to spot and avoid homosexuals.’ I could not believe what I was hearing.


I don’t know what happened to this guy at the Teachers College of Anthraciteville, but he had some opinions. ‘These homosexuals, they’ll trick ya. They’ll fine out what kinda music ya like, what kinda candy ya like, then they’ll invite you dawn to their house.’ As I listened, incredulous, I couldn’t help but picture a young Mr. Garth being lured into a van by Paul Lynde. ‘Hey there, sonny, my friends and I were just going into the woods to enjoy some Jethro Tull and a Mars bar. Interested?’ Oh, the shame that must have washed over Mr. Garth as ‘Minstrel in the Gallery’ came to an end and he realized that was no Mars bar! But there was no turning back. He had already eaten half of it.


My blood started to boil as he continued. ‘If you’re talking to someone and you think they might be a homosexual, just run. Just get out of there and tell the nearest adult.’ I stayed after class to tell him that I thought he had misspoken. ‘I think what you meant to say was ‘child molesters,’ not ‘homosexuals.’’ He just watched my hands move as I talked, not unlike a dog.”


Jul 29
“It’s been reported that more and more Americans are using search engines like Google.com to locate and contact their ex-girlfriends and boyfriends. This is no use to me, however, because everyone I’ve ever dated has ended up dead.” Tina Fey, Weekend Update, 3/15/03 (via tinafeysays)

Jul 28
“This week Jennifer Lopez announced that she is engaged to Ben Affleck. It will be the third marriage for Lopez, the first for Affleck and the last for neither.” Tina Fey, Weekend Update, 11/16/02 (via tinafeysays)

Jul 27
“The Arab gulf state of Bahrain is preventing single women from entering the country by refusing to give them visas. But I can tell you right now, treating single women like crap will only make them like Bahrain more.” Tina Fey, Weekend Update, 5/05/01 (via tinafeysays)

Jul 26
“MSNBC reporter Ashleigh Banfield, now in Pakistan covering events there, has cut her hair short and dyed it brown in order to go undercover in the male-dominated country. Take it from me, Ashley: If you think having brown hair and wearing glasses will keep men from noticing you.. you are right.” Tina Fey, Weekend Update, 9/29/01 (via tinafeysays)

Jul 25
“An Australian man, Rob Milner, announced that next March, he plans to sky-dive from 25 miles from above the Earth, reaching speeds of over 1000 miles per hour, and breaking the sound barrier. And in future news, Rob Milner is dead.” Tina Fey, Weekend Update, 3/10/01 (via tinafeysays)

Jul 24
“This week, Sporty Spice told the Reuters News Agency that she was done with the Spice Girls. Making her just 2 years behind everyone else.” Tina Fey, Weekend Update, 3/10/01 (via tinafeysays)

Jul 23
“An English man’s leg was saved after his Jack Russell terrier started licking it, which helped to prevent the leg from becoming gangrenous. Afterwards, the dog went back to trying to save his own balls.” Tina Fey, Weekend Update (via tinafeysays)

Jul 22
“Many of the first people to buy the new XBox 360 are returning the system because of crashes and glitches and maybe, just maybe, a long hard look in the mirror.” Tina Fey, Weekend Update (via tinafeysays)

Jul 21
tinafeysays:

"When I’m writing and don’t feel like I have the idea, I get very, very down. Then, at the moment I get any kind of breakthrough, I’m elated. Writing ‘Bossypants’ was a serious roller coaster."

tinafeysays:

"When I’m writing and don’t feel like I have the idea, I get very, very down. Then, at the moment I get any kind of breakthrough, I’m elated. Writing ‘Bossypants’ was a serious roller coaster."


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